From the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey, the habit that means the most to me is Habit #5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This habit is largely defined by empathetic listening, or paying attention to what another person is saying with emotional integrity.
I like to help people with their genealogy. One of the things I have learned to do is sit down with that person and listen intently. I may jot down names and dates, but I am paying attention to them. I ignore my phone. I do not interrupt; I save any questions for when they are finished explaining their mystery. Too many times I have watched someone begin to tell their tale, as in “my grandfather lived here in 1946…” and the person helping them immediately runs to find the city directory for that year only to find out that the person was interested in a train collision that had happened here 20 years before his birth.
In Covey’s book, he mentions that an “amateur sells products, a professional sells solutions.” I find that to be true, at least in the family history work I do. After listening to someone tell me about their family and where they are meeting a brick wall in their research, I can oftentimes offer suggestions on where to look next. I may find a clue to help in their research or at least a different avenue of record sets to research.
Once I have taken the time to understand the other person and what they are seeking, I can then formulate a response so that they can better understand me. I speak to them in layman’s terms or explain terminology familiar to a genealogist. When I explain to them why they are having no luck in finding their ancestor on the 1890 federal census, they better understand some of what goes into genealogical research.
When both parties have a good understanding of what one needs and what one has to offer, the communication and transaction are much more effective. I feel I have a good grasp on Habit #5…now to learn, commit, and do the other six!